I get a kick out of meeting new people for the first time — particularly single folks who are roughly my age (there are many such travelers who pass through this town). I listen with entranced fascination (and just a hint of envy) as they tell tales of solo voyages with nothing but a backpack, a pair of Chacos and a dog-eared Tolstoy. Of month-long silent yoga retreats, their choice to start eating meat again after going hungry in some remote South American village, and their heart-wrenching autonomous decision to part ways with a beautiful Argentinian who wouldn’t quit asking for commitment.
And then it’s my turn – they have no idea. “So what about you? What’s your story?”
Inevitably, their drop-jawed disbelief after I set the stage of my life is followed by a string of predictable questions. “How many kids? How old are you? All daughters? Your poor husband.” My favorite is when I top it all off with the age of my eldest. You can just see their wheels turning while they do the mental math.
The one comment that floors me though, from non-parents and new parents alike is this, “I don’t know how you manage to do it all.” Hil-arious. It’s particularly fun if my husband happens to be within earshot and I get to watch him try not to blow beer through his nostrils as he stifles a cynical laugh.
Why is this comment so funny? Because it’s so heavily tinged with irony. Because it’s the biggest joke ever for the idealistic mother of four kids, 16 years into the game. Because earlier in my mothering career I actually did attempt to “do it all” and nearly lost my mind trying. Because frankly, “doing it all” is totally overrated.
Here’s the simple truth of the matter (for me, anyway)…
So, to answer the question of the disbelieving backpackers and parents who’ve not yet had their butts kicked, I don’t do it all, and what I do accomplish is not always pretty. In fact, I can’t say that “pretty” in any way describes the bulk of our experiences, no matter how much estrogen in the household. But I wouldn’t trade pretty for what I do have. I’ll take my hodgepodge, imperfect life any day – ’cause what I have is real.
Thank you for that, Beth. You’re timing could not have been more perfect. I miss you! XO
love it! you always know how to make a mama feel good. now I’m off to clean my house while my youngin’ watches the Cosby show! I had no idea they were on YouTube!!
Yea, and so are The Brady Bunch, Sesame Street and Little House on the Prairie, FYI!
i hope that when i become a mother, i’ll remember all of this.. oh, and the envy goes the other way. as much as i enjoy my life, there is definitely a part that wishes i had children in school already =p thanks, beth. always insightful. xoxo
Word. Preach it sister. I love seeing the shock and disbelief in other parent’s faces when I tell them, “No, we decided to quick this or that program.” They simply do not grok the option of not doing it all for the sake of their kids. If you actually put yourself before your kids, doesn’t that make you a monster or at least some kind of felon-breeder? Nope. It does not.
Especially this line resonated with me: “The bulk of my grief stems from the unrealistic expectations I set for myself. I think this one requires a post of it’s own.”
I am not quite ten years into this parenting thing (with 9, 5 and 1 year olds), and I am still trying to figure out *how* to do less. I mean, my house is a mess, I *never* spend three hours on dinner, and an hour of yoga, are you kidding? But still, somehow life always seems to frantically paced. Still, I am working on it 🙂
Oh, the one year old’s wakin’ up, gotta go!
Nice, I like #1 especially. You rock!
You must know how relieving it is to learn that I’m not a horrible mother/wife/human being – just one going crazy, like so many before her, in a fragmented frenzy. I need to use a mantra along the lines of “it’s all about me. It’s all about me,” and just see where the chips fall for everyone else occasionally!
Thanks for another lovely lesson.