One of the most consistent challenges I’ve faced on my growth and healing journey is that the more authentically and self-lovingly I show up, the more frequently I disappoint people.

Also, the more visible I become in my work, the more people there are to disappoint.

This reality is inevitable, and we never know when another disappointment bomb will land in our life. Even the most fawny people pleasers in the world occasionally disappoint people, and there are a LOT of fawny people pleasers in the world establishing this coping strategy as the norm.

So the more daring we become in our authentic expression, need honoring, and boundary setting, the more we tend to stand out from the crowd.

For difficult realities like this that we can’t avoid, it feels important to have a practice in place; something we establish in a regulated, grounded moment, that we can pull out of our toolkit when we’re triggered and deep in our feelings.

My own practice looks something like this:

1. Someone expresses their disappointment with me, sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly, and sometimes passive aggressively. Though it seems counterintuitive, it’s often the kindly, respectfully expressed disappointment that I feel the most acutely, likely because maturely delivered messages are usually coming from people I respect.
   
2. I acknowledge the “bomb,” then make space for and name the feelings that are coming up in me. Slowing down for this step is key, so that I can catch any stories I’m making up in an effort to self-protect. I do my best to stay embodied through this experience through movement. Otherwise the intensity of the sensation can cause me to freeze and/or ruminate, which only adds to my burden and prolongs the process.
   
3. I self-mother. I tune into the parts of me that are feeling shame, resentment, anger, fear, or self-disappointment. I care for myself as I would an upset child. I rock, I hold my heart, I let the tears fall. I hold space for myself and my process with tenderness and empathy. I sometimes reach out to my partner or another trusted friend/space holder during this step, especially if I’m having a hard time seeing things clearly.
   
4. I assess for integrity and alignment. Once I’ve moved through the initial intense feelings and I’m in a more regulated place (this often takes a full day or two, and a good night of sleep really helps), I examine the situation and decide whether I feel I was out of alignment or integrity. If I determine that I was in alignment, I remind myself that people are allowed to disagree with my decisions, people are entitled to their feelings, and that it’s not my job to protect folks from their emotions. If I recognize that I have something to own or if I was in the wrong, I make sure I’m in a grounded, self-compassionate place before reaching out to the other person and requesting a conversation.
   
5. I try to recognize any lessons or growth opportunities being offered to me through the experience. Journaling helps me through this process. What is my strong reaction pointing toward? What’s unresolved in me? What needs tending or healing?

The older I get, the clearer I am that the willingness to disappoint people in order to stay true to ourselves is a necessary part of the maturation process. For me, it’s also a sign that I’m no longer exiling parts of myself, that I’ve built the capacity to be with the full range of human emotions (including shame, which is often the one we’re avoiding when we’re trying to keep everyone happy), and that codependency is no longer ruling my life (hallelujah).

I once read this somewhere:

“I only lied so I didn’t have to see the tears of disappointment in your eyes.”

This same sentiment applies to times when we’re not outright lying, but pretending to agree or owning something isn’t actually ours to own.

And you? Are you disappointing more people as you grow and heal? If so, how are you handling it and what have been the rewards of staying true to yourself?

Navigating all the feels right alongside you,