When I first got divorced (after 18 years of marriage), and I felt disoriented and unmoored like never before, I suddenly started making rules for myself. The one I remember most clearly was:

“I won’t even think about dating for at least nine months and until I’ve finished writing my book.”

My reasoning was that I was going to need at least six months to honor the grieving process (so to play it safe, I should probably make it nine), and dating sounded like way more fun than finishing the book I’d felt stuck around for years, so I should definitely get that hard work out of the way before I allowed myself the fun of new exploration.

Thankfully, over time, I was able to see my arbitrary rule making as a protection strategy.

The vulnerability I felt during those early months was off the charts. The first time I went contra dancing by myself, I lasted all of 20 minutes before I left crying from the sheer overwhelm of being out in the world without my wedding ring on.

The first time I took myself out to dinner, I felt like I was transparent and that everyone around me could see through my clothes and skin, right into my tender broken heart.

Especially given that I suddenly had days at a time when I wasn’t with my kids (which was a huge deviation from the norm for me), I felt like I needed some kind of container or hiding place or trusted authority telling me what to do in order to feel safe.

Like a lobster that’s recently shed its shell, I was too soft and vulnerable to be unguarded before I’d grown into my new skin.

What I learned during that time, though, is that rather that making rules, I could simply do what I needed to do that day to take care of myself and remind myself that my future self would be even wiser than I was, so I could trust her to take care of my future needs.

I didn’t need to anticipate my future. Trust was actually a healthier strategy, and one that allowed me to lean on my intuition day to day, listening, adjusting, and dancing with life rather than trying to control it.

I’m now a big fan of feeling into what I’m needing today, and trusting my future self to handle my tomorrows.

More present and at peace this way,