Modern motherhood is mind-meltingly paradoxical, no matter the ages of your kids or the season you’re navigating.

One of the places I see this paradox playing out in super confusing ways for parents is at the intersection of letting them see our humanity but not so much that we stress them out, parentify them, or cause them to feel unsafe.

The place I’ve landed with this is that for most kids (hell, for most humans), if we aren’t being honest about our experiences and telling them what’s going on with us (within reason and age appropriately, of course), they’re left to make meaning from their level of maturity.

For example, if I’ve had a shit day and I’m short with my kids without any explanation of why, they’re left to make meaning on their own. And while in the moment they might not be conscious of it, over time that meaning making can end up getting embedded in them as stories not about us but about themselves like, “I’m too much,” “I’m a bad kid,” or “Mom is happier when I keep quiet.”

Same goes for raising teens. If I’m in a funky place and I deny it (“I’m fine!”) for fear of stressing them out or worrying them, I’m not only not being authentic, but I’m likely causing them to question their intuition (“but she doesn’t seem okay”), and reinforcing the cultural narrative that moms are somehow superhuman and without needs, desires, or bad days.

It’s a fine line to walk, but I do think we can tell our stories in age appropriate ways and depersonalize things a bit so they know it’s not just us, it’s everyone. This might sound like:

For young kids:

“I’m feeling sleepy and grouchy right now. You remember the other day how you were crying a lot and didn’t want to go to school? That’s kind of how I feel today, but I’m going to take a nap later and that should help me feel better. I’m sorry for yelling earlier. You weren’t doing anything wrong, I just sometimes feel impatient when I’m tired.”

For older kids:

“You’re right, I don’t feel great today. It’s been a tough stretch for me lately between financial stressors, hormones, and so many life changes all at once, but I’m getting support from my therapist and talking to my girlfriends in perimenopause, and I really appreciate that you noticed and asked. I’ll try to let you know what I’m needing on days like this so you don’t have to guess.”

In my experience, this approach builds emotional safety, models self-awareness and needs attunement, and gives our kids permission to be fully, messily human, themselves.

Was this done for you when you were young? If not, what stories did you make up about your parent or yourself with no one there to help you make meaning?

Cyclebreaking one connected, honest, vulnerable interaction at a time,