I don’t care how badass your therapist/coach/healer of choice is; when certain subjects come up in a session, that person is inevitably working hard inside to quiet their biases and calm their triggers. We are human, after all.

One such trigger for me is when I witness a massive disparity in a partnership when it comes to emotional labor, healing work, accountability, and self-awareness development, yet the person doing the vast majority of the work still doesn’t feel like she’s doing enough.

Here’s what this often looks like:

A couple has been partnered for well over a decade and has a few kids together. They’re stressed. They’re struggling. Their relationship is on the rocks. One of them (my client) is deeply discontent, hurting, and frustrated beyond belief.

She’s reading self-help and relationship books, she’s listening to podcasts, she’s in therapy (in addition to our coaching), and she’s putting loads of energy toward understanding the ways in which she has contributed to the dysfunction in the relationship.

Meanwhile, her partner is doing the bare minimum and continuing to rely on his not-so-healthy coping strategies. He makes micro changes only reactively, when his quality of life is starting to be compromised by her “nagging.” Often, as a way of deflecting responsibility (whether consciously or not), he overlooks the kind, patient, creative bids for connection and healing she’s making 90% of the time, and hones in on the moment when she’s at her wit’s end and loses her cool.

“See! You’re raising your voice at me. You know that shuts me down.”

Sadly, my client will often then adopt her partner’s assessment of the situation (even though he’s less emotionally mature than she is) and continue working even harder on herself. Meanwhile, he’s more or less off the hook again, knowing full well that once she’s lost it, she’ll feel guilty, stop focusing on him, and focus on improving herself again.

I wish I could say I only hear these stories occasionally.

Hyper-self-examination makes sense as a coping strategy (albeit a maladaptive one), as it seemingly puts the power back in our hands. “If I just work on myself, I won’t have to rely on or wait for him to do the work, then be continuously disappointed.” But it also enables immature behavior and keeps dysfunctional, harmful patterns in place.

As women, we are conditioned from the time we are little girls to take on the emotional labor in our relationships and family systems. We are also wired for connection. Our reptilian brains would have us stay connected to our people at all cost–even if and when that connection is hurting us–rather than risk unbelonging.

Here are a few things I see as essential in order to eventually break these patterns and heal this overactive part of ourselves:

1. Get perspective from a trusted someone outside the relationship dynamic. Keep searching if you haven’t found the right support person just yet.
2. Build a tolerance for the discomfort of conflict and disconnection (by building a beautiful relationship with yourself).
3. Get crystal clear on what is true for you. Write your truths down so you can more easily access them if and when you’re being gaslit, and so you can keep track of just how long you’ve been stuck in the same pattern.
4. Name your strengths (patience, tolerance, compassion, etc.), then recognize that all strengths have shadows. Learn to work with your shadows so they’ll sabotage you less frequently.

Maybe you need the reminder, or maybe no one has ever told you before, but:

You deserve a partner who hears you, respects your concerns, and is willing to self-examine and make changes in order to improve your relationship.

You deserve a partner who doesn’t blame shift in order to avoid his or her own uncomfortable feelings.

You deserve to be able to explain something clearly and be met by someone emotionally mature enough to truly hear and understand you.

You deserve a relationship free of gaslighting.

You deserve a partner who doesn’t spin stories in such a way that lets them off the hook while you continue doing all the emotional labor.

In healthy relationships, each person is willing and able to self-examine, doesn’t latch onto the smallest misstep in their partner (or manufacture emotions) in order to create diversions, and takes initiative when it comes to learning and growing.

You are worthy of this level of respect and reciprocity,