The issue of school choice comes up all the time in MotherWorthy and in my conversations with clients, so I thought I’d share a bit of my experience here, too!

All told, my four daughters (three of whom are grown and one of whom is a junior in high school), attended a total of 26 different schools as they were growing up (shocking, I know).

Here’s that breakdown, including locations for kicks:

5 public elementary schools (Fredericksburg, TX, Austin, TX, Asheville, NC)

2 Waldorf schools (Taos, NM, Austin, TX)

1 Montessori initiative (San Cristóbal de las Casas, Mexico)

1 college prep IB international school (Puerto Aventuras, Mexico)

1 passion and inquiry based international school (Tulum, Mexico)

1 public middle school (Asheville, NC)

3 public high schools (Austin, TX, State College, PA, Asheville, NC)

1 charter elementary/middle school (Asheville, NC)

3 charter high schools (Wimberly, TX, State College, PA, Asheville, NC)

1 homeschool co-op (Austin, TX)

1 church preschool (Abilene, Texas)

1 arts-inspired preschool (Dripping Springs, TX)

1 parent-led preschool co-op (Austin, TX)

4 years of homeschooling (Austin and Tulum, Mexico)

This list is so lengthy for several reasons:

1. My idealism used to run the show. For years I felt it my responsibility to provide the “best possible” educational experience to my girls whatever the cost (we paid in cash, volunteer hours, highway miles, and marital stress, to name a few methods).
   
   
2. For years, my ex-husband and I were more passion than practicality driven, and we spent our 18 years together pursuing those passions. This meant many moves (chasing dream jobs, discovering dream locations, and attempting to create dream lifestyles) and, consequently, many schools.
   
   
3. I was highly attuned to my kids’ needs and sensitivities, and constantly trying to figure out ways to meet those needs and honor those sensitivities in the most supportive and least (potentially) harmful ways possible.
   

Whether your first reaction to this admission of excessive school hopping has you thinking, “This woman is nuts. Her poor children,” or “What a life of adventure and diversity of experiences!,” the fact is that there is no way to know how our choices will effect our kids in the long run, every decision we make comes with consequences, and my now-grown kids would tell you that they were both bettered and stressed by our choices.

Moving to Mexico, for example, was both an incredible gift of perspective, language acquisition, and slow living and it meant leaving an already-established community, lots of resistance from some of our kids, and battling intestinal parasites for years.

Likewise, volunteering myself to the edge of insanity in order to keep my kids in alternative schools afforded us many beautiful experiences and connections, and I depleted myself quite completely in the process, limiting my ability to find joy in the rich and nourishing life I was working so hard to curate.

I obviously can’t claim to know what’s best for your family, but I can offer some hard-earned perspective I gleaned throughout our educational journey:

1. Intuition is absolutely worth paying attention to. It is also worth distinguishing from any underlying fears that may be causing us to hold on with a death grip to choices that are creating stress in other areas of our lives.
   
   
2. Cutting my idealism in half and doubling my trust ultimately proved healthier for everyone, my children included.
   
   
3. The notion of an “ideal school” is of limited use, as it fails to account for equally-important factors such as drive time, jobs we love vs. those that pay the best, and the ability to afford other things that matter to us and contribute to a high quality of life.
   
   
4. It’s natural for your desire and energy level to shift and evolve over time. While I was inspired to participate in initiatives, co-operatives, homeschool collectives and other such alternatives when my children were younger, once they got older, building my career became a stronger priority and I was super grateful to have them in schools that required less of my time and energy. You get to reassess and reprioritize. You get to change your mind.
   
   
5. Because their journeys are uniquely their own, even the purest of intentions and greatest of sacrifices on our part will only go so far toward shaping our kids’ lives. Even if and when we manage to give them “the very best,” what they do with the gifts we give them and which of those gifts they’ll actually count as gifts is entirely beyond our control.
   
   
6. The fact that one way is working beautifully for another family doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right choice for yours. Recognizing the presence of fear and anxiety when speaking with other parents about their school choices will help you to make wiser, more empowered decisions in your family’s best interest.
   
   
7. A creative learning environment does not necessarily make for a “creative child.” Likewise, a highly academic learning environment does not necessarily make for an academically gifted child. School environments that draw out children’s innate gifts and strengths come in many shapes and sizes.
   
   
8. Our children are not necessarily better off when we make life all about them. It’s important for them to realize that their needs are lovingly considered, but that there are many things to take into account when it comes to raising healthy, thriving families (including and especially our own well-being as parents).
   
   
9. Hard times and disappointments are inevitable and important for children to experience to some degree. Not only do challenges grow them, but they provide opportunities for us to demonstrate healthy responses, offer empathy, model problem solving skills, and help them build grit and resiliency.
   
   
10. That said, some children absolutely learn better under certain circumstances. Smaller class sizes and plenty of physical activity, for example, can mean the difference between surviving and thriving for some kids.
    
    
11. Protecting your children is one thing. Protecting yourself from the inevitable pain of watching your children struggle is another thing altogether. Developing self-awareness is key to better understanding our reactions to our kids and their challenges.
    
    
12. Middle school is rough, no matter where you send them.
    
    
13. Connection matters more than curriculum.
    
    
14. These days, regular nature connection (whether through school or not), time for free play, and time away from screens are some of the most valuable gifts we can give them.
    
    
15. Showing your kids that you have faith in them no matter the circumstances goes a long way toward shaping their confidence and self-efficacy.
    
    
16. The love and support you give them at home will have a greater impact on their well-being than any school you choose.
    
    
17. Good teachers are golden. There’s also often a life lesson to be learned from a bad teacher. Also, my favorite teachers and schools have not always been my children’s favorites.
    
    
18. Community matters, no matter the ages of your children. Investing in building your local community will pay off just as much as—if not more than–investing in their education.
    
    
19. The needs of your family as a whole are as worthy of consideration as the needs of its individual members.
    
    
20. Once they’re grown, your kids will likely thank you for some experiences they once complained incessantly about and share that they were traumatized by experiences you thought were healthy and wonderful. Go figure.
    

The way I see it, there is no “right way” and there is no winning. There is only doing the best we can with what we currently have and know, self-reflecting and owning our shit, growing and healing, doing better as we know better, and creating emotional safety in our relationships with our kids so that authenticity, honesty, repair, vulnerability, mutual respect, and intimate connection become possible (and much more likely) long after they leave home.

As for what I would do differently if I had it to do over again? I’d create more opportunities for them to play in nature with other kids for long stretches (annual camping or beach trips with other families and summer camp, for example), I would majorly incentivize reading, and I would better meet my own needs so that I could more easily stay present and access joy and lightness.

Honestly, I could name for you half a dozen other things I might do differently, and none of them have to do with school choice. Many, however, have to do with better tending to my own needs.

Wishing you loads of community support, frequent breaks, and deep self-compassion,