As mothers, we’re taught in subtle and not so subtle ways from the time we’re born that a “good” mother’s capacity for chaos, overfunctioning, and enduring unmet needs, is higher than everyone else’s.

If mom can’t handle it AND keep her cool AND look put together AND give the best to her kids, she’s not working hard enough, she’s doing something wrong, or she needs to pray more and serve with more devotion and selflessness.

And so by the time we become mothers many of us have internalized this messaging unconsciously. The ability and willingness to tolerate a LOT is part of what makes a mother “good.” Kind of like what makes a “good” girl is playing small and being pleasant to others no matter what the circumstances, or in other words, getting good at enduring mistreatment.

But the truth is that we don’t have more capacity for enduring bullshit circumstances and chaos, we just have more brainwashing around it and practice at it. Enduring endlessly is baked into our very identity.

In order to create more equity on our homes and within the broader society, especially when it comes to unpaid care work, we need to look within at the stories we’ve adopted about what it means to be a good mom, about what we should be able and willing to endure, and about the seeming low capacity for discomfort, self-sacrifice, and inconvenience others have (namely most men). It’s not that men inherently have less capacity (for patience, dirty diapers, chaos tolerance, researching, staying present and engaged with the kids instead of checking out, etc.), but that they haven’t had to build it. They get to be seen as “good dads” in the eyes of society by doing the bare minimum.

Thankfully this is changing. May we raise kids who demand equity in their partnerships from day one and settle for nothing less.

You’ve endured enough,