The other night, I almost ruined our entire evening (which could easily have soured the whole weekend) by allowing a thought to grow, unchecked.
Thanks to a couple of sleepovers, Hunter and I found our load temporarily (and pleasantly) lightened and decided to do the only sensible thing under the circumstances: eat out.
Upon explaining our evening plans to the one remaining child, Estella and I exchanged excited grins. “We can ride our bikes there!!” she shouted, remembering her brand new Trail-a-Bike at the very moment I did and dancing around the living room in anticipation.
A brief history: When my eldest daughter was four and five, she and I lived within biking distance of my college and her preschool. For two years, we tandem biked all over that part of town — to school, to get groceries and to visit friends (including Hunter). We climbed “the big hill” every day (testing my strength and her resolve), we learned which roads to avoid due to dogs or unfriendly traffic and we shared many a grin while dodging potholes or waving to folks in passing.
So, when I realized that Tulum is great for biking (and that our last kid isn’t getting any younger), I ordered a Trail-a-Bike, finagled it through customs and now here it was — freshly assembled, road tested and glowing with promise and nostalgia.
{Enter Hunter.}
“Hey Dad, we can ride bikes to the restaurant!!!!!!!” Estella’s excitement was contagious.
“Yeah, awesome! Let’s do it!!” Now we were all grins.
“Ohhhhh wait, shoot, uh hold on,” he said, scanning the room. “Hey Beth, have you seen the cotter pin?” (You know, that miscellaneous piece that connects the Trail-a-Bike to the parent bike).
“No, why? Why isn’t it on the bike?”
“Because I took it off in a hurry the other day and left it on the ladder that the crew used all week.”
“Huh,” I said, hemorrhaging enthusiasm.
In raced a herd of uninvited thoughts, quite without warning:
“Ugggh, he’s SO unorganized,” followed by,
“We are always waiting on him,” and then,
“Of course he lost the cotter pin. He is always losing his shit. Wasn’t it his phone just this morning?” and,
“Why does he assume I know where it is? I already have four kids,” and finally,
“So much for our awesome evening.”
Along with the unsolicited thoughts came a parade of emotions: irritability, impatience, judgement, a sense of urgency and a hint of anger. My body grew tense, my mind critical and my spirit unyielding all within the span of about 12 seconds.
The shift was so quick and profound, in fact, that it startled me to my senses, though not before I had managed to transfer my negativity to the perceived perpetrator with a simple, sarcastic suggestion of inadequacy, “Really, Hunter?” accompanied by a perfunctory eye roll.
He immediately reflected my irritation, turned on his heals and went back outside to continue his search, only now in a bad mood. “Yes, REALLY, Beth. I can’t find the freaking cotter pin,” he mumbled in passing.
Having been through this drill a few (thousand) times now (an unnecessary, unforeseen household drama instigated by the party most attached to the original idea), I quickly noticed the story I had allowed to form based on an initial thought I’d not bothered to check for truth, the way it had thoroughly affected my mood, my feelings toward the man I adore, now HIS feelings and even those of my girl, who had been absorbing the whole scene.
I inhaled deeply, exhaled audibly and let the toxicity drain from my mind and body. Within another 12 seconds, I was back to center. Suddenly, logically, the only thing to do was look for the cotter pin (duh). I swear, it felt as if I had been dosed by Pollyanna. “Good thing you’re so good at finding things!” I engaged Estella, cheerfully. “Yeah, and good thing it’s not totally dark yet!” she added, obviously relieved. We set off hand in hand on a hunt for the missing link.
Turns out, the piece was nowhere to be found, and again, the tinge of irritation was there, just below the surface. “Dang, no bike ride. I’ve so been looking forward to this,” I thought, and then let that story go, too. “Oh well,” I assured myself as well as Estella, “We’ll find it tomorrow when there’s more light.”
As I made a move for my car keys, excited once again for our date night, Hunter busted out one of the many qualities that redeem him of his disorganization. “We don’t even need the cotter pin. Just hang on. Hey babe, have you seen my pliers?”
I smiled, so grateful for my resourceful, if scattered man, produced his pliers, and he proceeded to twist up a perfectly secure alternative with a nail and a bit of wire.
We rode our bikes to the restaurant after all (you’ve never seen so many disbelieving, grinning Mexicans),
enjoyed a lovely dinner and I apologized for being so quick to react. As he does so well, Hunter let it go without another thought.
I, on the other hand, have been thinking of the incident ever since:
- Of how profound the affect of a thought can be our moods and relationships.
- About how often the stories we tell ourselves are really the farthest thing from the truth.
- About how much we limit ourselves by allowing for only one version of an experience.
- About how the simplest shift in perspective can mean the difference between misery and bliss
- And how profound change is really nothing more than heightened awareness within everyday normalcy.
Since that simple, yet obviously SELF sabotaging incident, I have been oiling a tool of emotional management that had clearly grown rusty from Tulum’s harsh weather (good an excuse as any) and decided to give it an acronym so I’m more likely to remember it.
My brand spanking new NOW BREATHE tool is nothing more than a quick way to pull me back to the truth of the moment, based on a few concepts I’ve picked up here and there through the years:
- Notice that I just told myself a limiting story.
- Offer a new story, stating facts instead of judgements.
- Wait to react until I’m once again open to the world of possibility.
- BREATHE throughout the entire process.
Looking back at the Trail-a-Bike incident:
- I was able to catch the thoughts and story fairly quickly (because I’ve been training that muscle for years).
- “We were going to ride bikes but now we can’t because Hunter is unorganized,” easily becomes something else altogether when I drop the judgements. “We were going to ride bikes and now we are going to wander through the yard at dusk on a cotter pin hunt.” Even, “We were going to ride bikes and now we are going to drive the car” is much more truthful and emotion-neutral. Replacing BUT with AND is often all it takes to open back up to the world of possibility (thank you Benjamin Zander).
- Even the simplest, “Really, Hunter?” before I had shifted my story spread the toxicity of my initial thoughts to two other people.
- Breathing is key for me. It’s like a lifeline, reconnecting me to NOW and energizing the part of me that knows its way back to center.
Cheesy? Maybe, but I’m okay with that. If it means more truth, less bullshit and deeper connection? I’ll take cheesy, ALL DAY.
Because the TRUTH of the Trail-a-Bike story is quite different than the mess I nearly made of it:
The TRUTH is that I admire my husband’s resourcefulness much more than I’m bothered by his lack of organization.
The TRUTH is that Hunter has a nostalgia of his own about Trail-a-Bikes. After all, he once fell in love with a blonde-haired girl who pulled her daughter past his house every day on her way to school.
The TRUTH is that Hunter is a shining example of inclusive thinking and “AND instead of BUT” acceptance, and has been since the day I met him. After all, the man didn’t say, “I want to marry her but she has a kid.” He said, “I want to marry her AND she has a kid.”
Thirteen years later, the story is just getting good, and the possibilities are truly endless…
“In the measurement world, you set a goal and strive for it. In the universe of possibility, you set the context and let life unfold.” ― Benjamin Zander, The Art of Possibility
03/05/2013 at 5:22 pm
I cannot tell you how much I needed to read this right now. Just moments before opening up Facebook and seeing this post, I had a similar conversation with my husband. Leaving me annoyed with him and myself as well for the way I handled the situation. Funny how the universe hands these things to you when you need them most. Thank you thank you!
03/05/2013 at 5:42 pm
Great story and a wonderful lesson. Thank you for sharing!
03/05/2013 at 7:38 pm
This is wonderful and exactly what I needed to hear today! Thank you!!!
03/05/2013 at 7:40 pm
So much in this story (and its lessons) that I can (uncomfortably) relate to. My god yes: resourcefulness is so much more valuable than organization. (Of course, they need to be resourceful because they’re always losing $h!t. :-) And I, too, love a man who automatically thinks inclusively and doesn’t have to try to let things go.
And as much as I like to think of myself as a storyteller and one who learns through story, I hate to admit how often the source of my own misery is telling myself the wrong story.
Thank you.
03/05/2013 at 7:42 pm
Thank you for this lovely post! I am getting better at catching myself AS I sabotage a mood/moment/feeling but now I have a tool for what to do next! Oh, if I could only remember to breathe!
03/06/2013 at 12:35 am
Oh how hard it is to catch myself before the comment or the eye roll. And thank goodness for resourceful husbands! By the way, I love the pic of Hunter and Sigourney.
03/06/2013 at 4:50 am
Okay, I’m not gonna lie. I was a little intimidated by the idea that I was about to have to learn a ten-letter acronym. Very relieved that the B in NOW BREATHE is for BREATHE! I echo everyone else’s sentiments, too. A timely post!
03/06/2013 at 6:27 am
You are way too young to be so wise!
03/06/2013 at 1:27 pm
You have such a wonderful ability to not simply story tell, but to use stories to teach us lessons that we all in our hearts know to be true, but struggle to put into practice.
03/06/2013 at 1:56 pm
Thank you so much for this post, really just perfect so grateful.
03/06/2013 at 2:09 pm
Oh Beth, this is beautiful. Amazing how one can quickly transform negative thoughts just by deep breathing and being aware of one’s process. This is such a fine example of changing the story.
03/06/2013 at 2:50 pm
Thanks for sharing, Beth! Such a touching story that I really needed to hear!
03/06/2013 at 4:08 pm
LOVED this post Beth! Might I share a recent moment of insight that transformed my life and the way I relate to my family? I’ll take your silence as a yes!
This is kind of in the same vein as it directly relates to where our thoughts come from and how they shape our speaking and actions.
Getting back to my insight…I recently participated in a Communication course through Landmark Education. Many of the exercises in the course are designed to un-conceal where we are being in authentic in our lives. Long after the course is over you continue to see things as you engage in life.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend on the telly and as usual the conversation goes all over the map. We flitter and flurry in our enthusiasm at the fact that we get to chat! One of the subjects that came up, (don’t ask me how we got on this subject, I couldn’t tell you) was molestation. I hate even saying the word….At any rate she asked me if I was ever molested as a child.
I said, yes, when I was six years old my parents took me and my sister to one of their hippie parties and I got tired, went upstairs to lay down on the sofa when it happened. I told her how I finally got a way from him and ran down the stairs to tell my parents. When I told them I was frightened and crying and I remember my dad confronted him. I was watching in anticipation while clinging to my mothers side, waiting to see him be reprimanded in some way, I’m not sure exactly what way I was thinking, but at the age of six I’m sure my thought was the police would be a good choice. What I ended up seeing was this boy of 14 breaking down and crying and my dad being compassionate and empathetic towards him. I remembered in that moment, that I felt a wave of heat come over me, fear, and in that moment what I told myself was that my dad’s not standing up for me. More importantly how I lived out my life was that no one stands up for me, I am worthless. Now that manifested in all kinds of ways throughout my life of either proving that I was worthy or validating that I wasn’t-the point is that a conversation was generated from a six year old mind that a woman of 50 was living out of and didn’t know it.
When sharing the incident with my friend on the phone it was like the tape of my life was being rewound and I could see all the ways that I had lived out of that story that I had made up as a child. Whether it was true or not is not relevant, what is relevant, and my husband and children can attest to this, is that I have lived from that sentenced point of view, a point of view of my self that I sentenced myself to without having known it. Every time their was a disagreement in my home that un-examined point of view was informing my behavior and my actions. I can’t tell you how many times I have accused my really awesome husband for not standing up for me. And he, like your hubby, is very forgiving of my short-comings.
This truly was a breakthrough moment!! It was like being released from jail, a jail that I had put myself into at a very young age.
You may be asking yourself how does this breakthrough translate into my daily life? I no longer have energy on people standing up for me, and I no longer live out of that conversation that I am worthless. I own it for what it is-something that a six year old little girl made up when her dad didn’t respond to a very scary situation in the way that she thought meant that he valued her.
I am left with a clearing to create my life from nothing and stand for what and who I am in a very powerful way. One that I cause for myself, that is not given by my past.
Blessings to you Beth. You are an amazing woman. I love you and your wonderful writing. xoxoxo
03/06/2013 at 4:41 pm
I so needed this! spot-on– ‘story’ of my life and have so
Much guilt over it- thank you for sharing!!!
03/06/2013 at 6:21 pm
Oh what a precious share… I so often react the same initial way because I feel often that my hisband is often unorganized (or organized at the last moment) and that we always wait for him but yes I know that changing perspecive, being non-judgmental and breathing should and will help me. Thanks for the priceless reminder!
03/06/2013 at 7:48 pm
How can you be SO right AND SO not old?? So much we lose in our pre-determined scripts. And it plays itself out…..women, especially need to remember this!! WE DO often control the mood and rhythms of the home…..when we are disturbed and dissonant….all of a sudden the entire home is out of sync….. The children feel it in their bones…..the spouse often has no clue……but just wants it to “get better fast”….when WE CAN resolve and restore our calm, we resolve and restore calm in our place….and those we love the most can absorb that calm and assurance that all is right with the world……
.
03/06/2013 at 8:05 pm
How easy it is to forget this, so thanks for the acronym. Great story.
And I, too, adore Benjamin Zander.
03/06/2013 at 9:13 pm
Really helpful! Thanks.
03/06/2013 at 10:26 pm
Thank you for your wonderful story!
I can very much relate to this scenario!
I too am finding that I can have a huge
Impact on how things turn out by my
Reactions to my husband and children.
I still had that
Thought “but if he just put the “pin” in a
Sensible place it wouldn’t have been lost”
But I understand that having a fight over it
Does not help at all. Thank you for your wisdom
from Melbourne Australia! : D
03/07/2013 at 2:59 am
Well said, Beth Berry!
03/07/2013 at 3:07 pm
Thank you for your transparency, Beth. It is not easy to let the world look into your family, let alone into your soul. I have found that the biggest struggle I face is with my self. Resolving that battle changes the world.
03/08/2013 at 6:29 am
Love it! Thanks!
03/08/2013 at 3:53 pm
My friend Adrienne shares your blog via her FB. I have often admired you and your work through her. Please know that this particular piece that you’ve written may be the key to healing my marriage. We have a little baby and my husband is in med school. This leaves me as the only one earning an income (I’m a pediatrician myself)and the primary caregiver for my son. Most times I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. In the past few weeks I have gotten so tired and very quick to anger. All of it is directed at my poor husband who is a really a great guy. Your writing just landed so clearly for me. Since reading your work and attempting to implement your NOW Breathe method things are actually much better this week. We’ve both noticed. To convey something so powerful so simply and effectively is amazing. Thank you. I hope the world gets to know the gift of your writing.
03/09/2013 at 7:26 pm
Wow! It is spooky how much I needed to read this. Thanks for nailing it!
03/14/2013 at 5:37 am
Hi Beth, Ive been following your blog for awhile and I have to commend you on how often you share your truth and thus your soul with all of us. This post in particular has really struck my core as I am also a mother of four – currently living and teaching & studying- in Ethiopia. I also struggle with my craving for ‘perfection’ and who has a wonderful (but scattered husband) who never makes me conform to his ‘stories’ as I do to him. I am truely blessed – but often need reminding of this.
I thank you for this reminder today – and will go give him a well deserved hug…now.